This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
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“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up