Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
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How high do the levels go?
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Twitter is an abusement park.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.