I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
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ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.