Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
You Might Also Like
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner