9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
You Might Also Like
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Children of the corn 🌽
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to