What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*