A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
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Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.