40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
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Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
pelicons
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble