Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
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Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Same pineapple, same
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’