I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
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“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.