Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
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[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.