Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
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When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Only short people can save us
Wednesday
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
choose your gary
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.