ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
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My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?