One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
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Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.