A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
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Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.