Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
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I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap