My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
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Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
They did not think through this water fountain
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
You wish you had this many chins.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story