Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
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2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Love this one 😂🧟
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.