Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
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Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”