Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
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While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
i really liked this one
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
the last thing a carrot sees
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.