I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
cry laughing at this shit
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Your honor these allegations are
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes