We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
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Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?