I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
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When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
My wife has the worst taste in men.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
“you recording!?”
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible