Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
You Might Also Like
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again