The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Things will get butter, keep churning
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.