ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.