Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
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Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.