My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
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alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.