If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
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Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!