I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
You Might Also Like
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible