customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
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Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Damn he played himself
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*