Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
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my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.