Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
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My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’