Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
You Might Also Like
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.