(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
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Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.