I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
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I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.