the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
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normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war