“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
You Might Also Like
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
This came to me in a dream.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
can’t catch a break
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Mornin
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.