*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
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I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Buying a well is money well spent.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*