barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
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A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry