The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
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Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent