If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
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At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.