My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
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Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Shortcut
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
LOOOOOOL
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.