Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
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Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
And now we wait
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
LOOOOOOL
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma