Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
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Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
it’s finally my moment to shine
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!