Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
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Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.