It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
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Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.