Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
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Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
twitter users today:
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I can’t stop watching this.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.