What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
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My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat