There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
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if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”